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Starving Quietly

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(no subject) [Feb. 16th, 2006|12:47 am]
Starving Quietly
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]

I know I have not been here to udate in awhile but things have been going a little crazy for me right now. Classes are going well. I am taking 5 this semester. Foreinsc Psychology, Family Psychology and Family Therapy, Social Psychology, Blues.Jazz.Gospel.and Ragtime, and also Into.to Social Work.

I am still going to therapy. I feel that I should no longer be ther, but of course my therapist has other ideas about that. I don't mind going because it gives me a chance to get things off my chest, but I hate the fact that she is always trying to get me to tell others what is going on in my life, that is something that I am not able to do right now. I am not even sure if I ever will. I know that I need to be giving this a little more effort, but things are so scary for me right now. I am trying to get a grip on this eating disorder that I love so much, I have dealt with it so long that I can't see myself anytoher place you know? I do not fall into that catagory of you typical person with Anorexia, but all of the etest and my doctors tell me diffrent, I guess I will not believe it until I am in a hospial some where for passing out and to be honest that will not bother me a bit, then may be that will get me to understand that I am doing something damaging to my body, because right now I just don't understand what the fusss is about, if I decide that I do not want to eat anything for a few days. I am not harming anyone.

Well I am going to get some reading done

April
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(no subject) [Nov. 5th, 2003|08:21 pm]
Starving Quietly
[Current Mood |nauseatednauseated]

Hi How are you guys doing? I am not doing so good...I just finished eating dinner and I feel the need to purge...I am trying to destract my se;f from purging, but right now it is not working...I told Angela what is going with me and my eating disorder and she was like do not tell me that you are throwing up...well I don't see the point in lying to her I just hope that she does not tell anyone what I told her...If she does then I have the feeling that I am going to be in Dean Tonya's office talking to her about it and this is something that I do not want to do because I feel that I can handle this on my own and I do not need anyone one to help me...

Well I need to study...

April
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(no subject) [Nov. 4th, 2003|10:43 pm]
Starving Quietly
[Current Mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[Current Music |Destiny's Child: Emotions]

Hey how are you guys doing? I am doing ifne I guess, I am so sorry that I have not been updating my journal, but things have really wierd for me...I have been trying to ajust to college life, but there are times where I start to question myself and ask myself what the heck am I doing here...My grades are fine, but I worry about them to much and that is causing me to turn projects in late and that is not good..

I skipped my english class today so that I could watch Ricki Lake today...it talked about African American girls with eating disroders...it was really intersting because it helps me to understand that I am not alone in my quest for thinness...I have to do a research project as my last project for my psychology classes...so I think that I am going to be doing the projeect on African Americans with Eating disorders....

Well I am going to get going I need to get some sleep...

April
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(no subject) [Sep. 22nd, 2003|07:50 pm]
Starving Quietly
[Current Mood |soresore]

Hey what's up notihng much is going on here. I am sorry I have not been around to update but I have been really busy wuth college and working and trying to get things straight with school. My ed is going alright, I guess, I feel like I have gained like 20 pounds in the past 3 weeks since I have been here. I have been bingong and purging since I been here. and no one knows about it. so that's cool it is easy for me to purge here because there is no one on my end of the hall and my room is right across the hall.

I am enjoying myself, but I feel like I'm getting really fat here. So I think I am going to start restricting a lot more.

Well I gotta Go,

April
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(no subject) [Aug. 19th, 2003|08:52 am]
Starving Quietly
[Current Mood |quixoticquixotic]
[Current Music |Tamia: Offically Missing You]

Well I have been out of town for the last copule of days so I'm just getting the chance to update. I leave for school in 10 days and I can't wait. I'm really nervous about it. I think that is because I'm going to be around people that I don't know. At least I will be able to fast and restrict,because no one will know what my true eating habits are. I am determanied to lose 50 pounds by Dec 20. Well I Have to see how things go.

I statred with bulimia a bout 2 weeks ago and I have been b/p everyday, I hate it,but I guess, it's something that I have to do inorder to be thin.

April
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Friends [Aug. 8th, 2003|03:22 pm]
Starving Quietly
[Current Mood |melancholymelancholy]
[Current Music |Cherish: Miss Pimp]

Well nothing much is going on with me right now. I'm going sccool shopping with my mom in a few mins. Thi is going to be really nce since my mom has offered to pay for EVERYTHING that I need for college this year. Would I be wrog if I held her to this, no I don't think so because she offered. And I'm the type of person that if you offer todo something for meit needs to be done unless you have great reason for not doig it. I may seem like a spoiled brat(I am.I just have been hurt one to many times and I really take to heart what people say to me. I really ned to stop doing that, I'm always the one to get my feeling hurt.

I got a e-mail from my "Best Friend" to day telling me how hot this new guy is that she is seing and has moved into her apartment only after a weekend of knowing him. I asked her to tell me a little more aobut him and this is what she had to say: Jason is a great guy. He can dance. He's romantic. He has a car that is paid off. Him and I are soo alike. It's not even funny. I'll have to bring him up north next month.
I only have one thing to say about this: You guys are nothing a like he has a staigh head on his shoulders, he has a stable job, you don't. He has a carthat is paid off, you don't. You say hat he can dance, you can't. If that's all you can give me about him then you need to check yourself.

Well on that note I'm going shopping now.

April
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(no subject) [Aug. 7th, 2003|02:18 pm]
Starving Quietly
[Current Mood |coldcold]
[Current Music |Chingy ft/Trina & Jermanie Dupri: Right Thurr (Remix)]

Well things have been pretty boring around here. I haven't really been up to anything. My fast has been going really good these past few days. I hope things continue to go well for me. I have a doctors appointment next Thursday. I'm not really looking foward to that. It is just a physical for college. For all of you that are in college what gies on at these physicals?

I'm suppose to begoing shoppig for some clothes this weekend but I'm avoiding it because I feel that I have not lost enough weight to go yet. So maybe I'll justweight until I move to Dc and go shopping in Georgetown.

Well, I'm freezing and need to go and get warm.

April
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(no subject) [Aug. 4th, 2003|12:50 pm]
Starving Quietly
[Current Mood |intimidatedintimidated]
[Current Music |Bow Wow: Let's Get down]

Well, I have been away for a few days visiting friends. I decide that I would update really quick. I'm going on a semi-fast until the 14th of this month. I'm only going to eat one meal a day. ANd today I had a plum and that was at 8am. So I think I'm doing pretty well. I went to a club with some friends on saturday night and I so my high school field hockey coach it was nice to see her since I hadn't seen her in 2 years. And she is really thin. Such an insperation. She asked me how my Eating disorder was going and I lied and told her fine. I know that she knows that I wasn't telling the truth because she told me, and she has this look that she gives me when she knows that I'm lying. she really couldn't say say anything to me because she was drunk.

Went to another friends house and she told me that i'm getting skinny. But I don't believe her. My goal is to lose 12 pounds before I go to the odctors next week. So that means I have to lose about 6 pounds a week and I know that this can be done.

Well I gotta go and fill up on some water my stomach hurts.

April
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Thoughts [Jul. 31st, 2003|01:55 pm]
Starving Quietly
[Current Mood |curiouscurious]
[Current Music |Paula Abdul: Straight Up]

So, I have ben reading Pro-Ana journals all day on here and also on Xanga.com. They all have been agreat help. I have not done this in a while. It feels a little wied but al least is gives me so sort of motivation. I guess.

Thought of the day:

I wonder if Jonnelle, still reads this journal or does she read the non-eating disorder one?? I really hope it is the other one.

Well I gotta go back to reading.

Be Safe,
April
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(no subject) [Jul. 30th, 2003|11:55 am]
Starving Quietly
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Current Music |Ole' school on the radio]

I'm having some major food issues right now. It's going on 12pm and I have yet to have anything but a diet coke. I'm not even that hungrey. I rally do not plan on eating anything today, but that is only because I'm trying to lose 15 pounds before aug 15. I hope this helps. I feel really icky right now.

Gotta go to the gym,
April
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